Poppies

I’m a bride.

 

No, I have no idea what to do about it. Are you supposed to DO something? or do you just BE?

 

Oh wow, I realize I haven’t posted on here in FOREVER (which to me is about 2 months)  so I should probably sound less contemplative and more happy???

 

Ha there I go again… trying to analyze how i’m supposed to be feeling as opposed to what I really feel. And right now that is very; introverted and reflective. These are big moments because I’m rarely introverted and my more reflective moments are usually accompanied by dark holes.

 

But there are no dark holes in sight. I’m just sitting here looking around at my life trying to take it all in before it’s all gone. It’s like I’m trying to created a slow motion moment so that I can actually breathe each drop of a moment in. I don’t want to miss any of this. It’s so difficult, because this is a crazy busy time where you have so much going on, making being reflective seem impossible, but I’m here trying to accomplish just that.

 

Reflecting, reflecting, reflecting…….

 

I”m marrying the most amazing man in the world. I know, I know, you think your husband is pretty cool too. Sorry, but you’re wrong, mine’s the best. In the world. It sounds so ridiculous that I even doubted God for a second that He would provide the epitome of His love for me in the form of a very attractive, green-eyed, 2% body fat, freckled hunk of a man who happens to have an amazing heart of gold.I Love Him. SO. MUCH. I’m not sure I trust any human that would enter into this type of covenant who can’t be over the top. Sometimes I feel like I’m skipping through a field of poppies (I know this metaphor calls for daisies but I like poppies) and then sometimes I am thrown to my knees in the seriousness of all of this. I mean, I”M GETTING MARRIED. no big deal. just trusting another person to spiritually cover me, promising to be vulnerable, to communicate, to encourage, and to be faithful to this one man for the rest of my life. No big deal. What has really rocked me is the idea that some people get into this NOT SURE. Literally, they’re just kinda like “well, I don’t know, I mean, we already paid for it and we have been together for 3 years…” I didn’t have to think twice. I think we had been dating 3 weeks and God told me this was it, He was it. After that it was just peace and a lot of fun. How does a person enter into this without knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is it? I don’t get it. I get him though, and I get us. I get that I’m stupid happy…. every time I think I’ve reached my max of happiness God rocks my world again.

 

I know this doesn’t really update you much and this really isn’t much of a download from God in sharing some huge revelation in my life…. but this is my life, this is what is going on and oh so very important to me.

This is God interacting with me, This is Him blessing me beyond what I can comprehend. He IS good, and His love does endure FOREVER.

perfection perception

I’m a perfectionist.

Whodaknew. Certainly no one in my family would tell you that. In fact I may have been described as a quitter, lazy, and slightly chaotic or messy. Which were all certainly true, especially at certain points in my life. What I’ve recently discovered through events in my life, that under all of my characteristics, under all of my habits and quirks: perfectionism.

I set high standards for myself. Quietly, of course. No one really ever finds out about them. Only God quietly watches while I make my endless lists of who I am going to start being. What I’m going to start doing. What I’m not going to do. How my life is going to play out. What I will eat, won’t eat. How often I’ll work out. How often I will pray. What I will pray about and for how long. Making the lists is exhausting enough, accomplishing them the next morning is practically impossible. Now i’m not saying we shouldn’t set goals for ourselves. On the contrary, we should definitely have vision for our lives, a code of standard that the Lord holds us to, and a way of life that He has paved out, but more on that later. Here is where the Summer that most people know comes out: the “Crash and Burn”. See I have these super high standards, and then I can’t meet them. Instead of trying to tackle my life slowly or one thing at a time, I decide I’m going to jump to the other extreme of life and be perfect. And then I don’t. (shocker) I USED to resort to alcohol or sex to sooth the disappointment in myself and all the feelings of failure. Not so much anymore. So it has taken on different forms. I still struggle with sin, and its ability to sooth pain temporarily. It’s easier than climbing out of my dark hole and crawling in my prayer closet. The biggest trouble i deal with now that addictions don’t have a hold on my life is control. Lord, am I a control freak. I know I’ve discussed this in previous blogs, but once you discover something about yourself that isn’t it. You’re not suddenly done. It’s not like a light bulb went off in your head and now you’re free. How fantastic would that be? but no, instead we have the joy of rediscovering ourselves.

It all ties into Identity in Christ. Doesn’t it always??? When you really get into the root of problems, they’re always a lie that Satan told you about your identity that you believed. Or he used someone else to tell you something or treat you a certain way and you accepted it and then put it into your identity. So when you renounce the lie, ask forgiveness, and get TRUTH. So God lets you know how He feels about you and who you are in Him. It’s all quite lovey dovey and fantastic for the next 30 min while you soak in Him and He gives you this incredible peace that comes with being focused in on your true self in Him.

Then it’s ALL BETTER.

ha. right. not so much.

Actually what you just did was break some significant walls down around your heart that weren’t allowing the Holy Spirit to work in your life and direct you in love. It honestly was just the beginning. We just opened the door.

Now you get the joy of walking through life, but now the Holy Spirit is shutting you up, prodding you to speak, and telling you what to do. It sounds like being a puppet, but not really. It’s more like doing life better. Simple, eh? Maybe but it’s actually quite peaceful.

And all of this was supposed to tie into the pursuit of excellence instead of perfection. Except I kept digging. Because I’ve been pursuing that for the last 2 weeks and still ended up in a dark hole. It might make a good blog soon, of course, b/c its a fantastic topic, but its not whats on my heart right now. Right now I’m concerned with breaking off my fear of people’s perception of me. It’s not that I care about pleasing people, that would require me to have a more servant-like attitude…. my boyfriend got all of that gifting I do believe and to my benefit. It’s more that I’m constantly worried of how people are assessing me and drawing conclusion about me. What do you think about me? Once He pealed that dirt back and I saw the root to all of my control issues I kinda freaked out. It totally makes sense. I can think of a million scenarios where I made decisions or acted a certain way because I was scared people were going to draw the wrong conclusion about me. Write me off as a been there done that not so interesting oh-so-boring girl. I wouldn’t give up swearing because I was scared people would think they couldn’t relate to me. I need things done perfect and just the way I’m thinking or people will think I’m a failure. I have to run fast or lift more because the person next to me will think I’m fat or I can’t handle it. I have to be the perfect girlfriend who communicates perfectly and know how to do relationship well or people will think I’m a failure at it. People need to think I’m perfect. And even though it might look like all my little duckies are in a row, the honest truth is that they never are. Ever. One of them is always off doin’ his own thing and frankly I’m clueless about it. Ahhh such is my life. Despite what I want everyone to think. Despite what I really want my life to really be like.

So in all these “light bulbs going off but still having to fight all my perfectionism on display ” tendencies, I get an extra dose of grace from Him. I get the Holy Spirit questioning my motives when I make a decision, when I go to react to something, and when I go into bossy/controlling mode. WHY? Why does this need to be done this way? Why are you doing this? Who is this for? What are your motives? And then Him telling me to get better ones. To do things for me, for my life, and for His glory. Not because people are watching but because I’m doing life. And this is doing it well.

In control= out of control

I am getting sick so bear with me…. there may be a few run-on sentences and even fragments of my imagination strewn throughout these next few paragraphs but I’m highly medicated, it’s to be expected.

I know I haven’t written in, well, what seems like forever. Don’t worry, I felt guilty when I logged on and saw my last post’s date was Oct 5. My apologies. 

Ok so I had no idea I was such a control freak until I was in a relationship. (insert everyone else’s giggles here). It’s not funny. At all. And I had to deal a lot with that as we progressed and pushed further into our relationship. I had to learn that it wasn’t all about me, and that I had to trust him with parts of all of this too. I’m just one of those people who know how they like things and I’d just rather do it myself than have someone else mess it up and have to fix it. (no offense to my Honey, he doesn’t necessarily mess things up) But I had no idea that when things don’t go the way I saw them in my head I really freak out. Like REALLY freak out. I freak out if I don’t get up on time, spend my 2 hrs with God, run for exactly 30 min, lift for 30 min, and get completely ready in time for work. I freak out if I eat bad. I freak out if my relationship hasn’t learned anything epic in the last week and isn’t progressing in a defined direction. I demand perfection out of every area of my life. I don’t think a lot of people know that. The problem is that I never achieve perfection, and nothing ever is exactly how I plan it. The result? Epic Failure. I snow-ball, I give-up. I see no point in trying the rest of the day if I didn’t run long enough. If I can’t accomplish something as small as running for an allotted time how can I possibly write a blog?

It’s awful. It feels like being trapped in one of those hamster balls that just rolls around. You think you’re in control of where you’re going and what you’re doing and then you realize that you’re actually in a big plastic ball and you can’t get out and no matter what direction you run or how long you run, you are STILL in that stupid plastic ball that is actually in complete control of your life. 

This has been an awkward last couple of months. Freaking out, not freaking out. Relaxing and then crying uncontrollably. (dear boyfriend, I am sorry, I’m sure you are building up treasures in heaven for trying to decipher my muffled, tear-laiden words) But the worst part was when the Father decided to pull back the curtain even more and show my how it was effecting my relationship with Him. 

ugh, seriously??? 

But of course, He was right. Per-usual. I realized not only was I not trusting God to run my life and believe that He is good, but when I would spend time with Him, I was just going for answers. I can’t tell you how many times He’s gently told me “I’m not a magic 8 ball, Summer”. I know that, but when I’m trying to get all my ducks in a row and plan my whole life out, it’s kind of hard when God just won’t give me all the answers right away. I need to know everything right now.

Or do I? I’ve had to take a serious step back from everything and let go of the writing pen. If I truly want God’s will in my life and want Him to write the story of my life I can’t be constantly back control of my life and running it the way that I think is best. I truly feel the most in control of my life when I have no control in my life. I love when something jumps up and I just sigh and say God is good, now what are You going to do with this right now? I love that He’s told me to quit planning and start playing. I love that being responsible doesn’t mean knowing everything and being completely prepared.  

Shit happens, all of the time. I can plan and prepare and analyze til I’m blue in the face, but it’s not going to help me at all. I will never have any peace outside of His hands. My life is most at ease and full of joy and peace when I’m just a bit clueless as to what is going on. I’m learning to trust the hands that I have pledged my life, and I’m learning to love the loss of control over my life.

It’s funny, that the more control I have the less controlled my life feels. I think I’ll leave all of this life up to the Pro there Upstairs and I’ll just giggle down here and do everything He gives me to the best of my ability and let it lay there. He can pen the rest. 

identity

I might have been having a bit of an identity crisis the last few days. It’s so easy to forget who you are in Him. I mean, without even falling into sin, you can just get off track and you’re standing there going, ‘wait, who am I again?’

So, who are you?

So often we go to other people to justify our talents and gifting. How many times in college did you seek out someone else’s advice on what to do with your life or to tell you what you were good at? And let’s be honest family never counts. I mean, they’re great and all, and let me just say I have an amazing family who are still extremely supportive in my identity, but their opinion is easily dismissed: they’re family, they HAVE to love you. It’s like asking my mom if i’m fat. Well duh she’s going to say no, that I’m beautiful no matter what my body looks like…. nice, helpful…. love it, but not trustworthy. Right? meh.

I had to go through a quiet section in my spiritual life last fall when I was trying to figure out who i was now. I knew I was changing from who i was before I moved to Marquette, but then who was i? Instantly I started praying for words from people and knowledge. Someone somewhere was going to walk up to me and say “Summer, the Lord says you are good at THIS and that you are to do THIS with THAT for the rest of you life and you will succeed b/c that is WHO you are”…..

Yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhh, sooooo did not happen.

In fact I quit receiving words all together. Seriously, nothing. I was forced to go talk to the One person Who knew me best b/c He created me. And the one thing He kept telling me was the direct opposite of everything I thought of myself as. Ironic? Not really, I should have saw that coming. The enemy always loves to work in direct opposition to the progression of you knowing yourself through God’s eyes. So my whole life I’ve never cared about anything. I’m not kidding. I was like Queen Apathy. I thought it would be nice to be driven about something, but nothing ever stuck with me. I just saw everything in life as a dead ends, so why bother? And yet when I asked God who I was, who He saw me as He goes: lover, compassionate.

Huh? no, I’m not caring, i don’t care about anything…..

but then I sat there and thought about it. Yeah, I do. I care about a lot of things. But I’ve been so tangled up in fear that it’s never been released in my life. Fear of looking stupid for caring, for not being able to make a difference, for not really knowing what I’m doing, and this MASSIVE fear of rejection. I want to love everyone in the world so much, i want them to feel what He makes me feel everyday. I want them to know Truth, and know what real love is like. I want people know their identity in Him, who He sees them as. I want to spend my life encouraging others to discover who they are in Him. I want to pick people up when they want to give up. I want to force people into His arms, only to watch them melt under the healing power of His love.

I guess that doesn’t sound like the Queen of Apathy, hey?

But we all have doubts. We all have to push through mountains that build themselves out of lies that tell us we are nothing, that we are still who we were before His eyes burned our flesh away. Change is so hard to see in a mirror. I think thats one of the largest callings of the church today. I’ve had christians tell me they love God, but they’re not fans of church. But His church is community. The church is the best mirror to look into. Those people are the ones who help you walk through everything that He places before you. They get to watch you develop more into Him everyday. I would encourage you to seek out someone close to you and have them point out the changes that they see in you. It’s like recharging your go power. We all need affirmation sometimes, even if it’s not your “love language” (insert rolling of eyes here). It can push you farther up your mountain, and can break strongholds that the enemy has placed over you, that you didn’t even know were there.

I’m not a big fan of declaring crappy stuff over your life. It’s not intelligent or Kingdom seeking, BUT it is good to admit where we have weakness and then fight it. So here’s my proposition for you:

Write out your fears. Write out why you’re afraid to do such and such, or why you think you are this way or that way. Then ask Him for truth. Ask Him how to fight it, what to do. Are you supposed to walk out in a certain way that will break that fear? Or should you seek someone out to encourage you.

We can all get into an identity crisis once in awhile. It’s how you handle it that makes it worth pushing through. Do you crumble under the pressure to be perfect and have it all together or do you spend one more moment in the mirror of His eyes?

a little truth, a dash of love, but mostly just sentences.

I keep trying to write and it’s not coming.

This is not normal, and I’ve done a terrible job of blogging on a regular basis, but honestly I’m just bobbing for apples here. Sure  there are plenty of apples, lots of lessons I’m in the middle of learning but none seem to be drawing a concise thought pattern. No ideas are blossoming into fullness. I just seem to be biting at them, nibbling at surfaces but coming up empty-mouthed.

It’s extremely frustrating. I function best in writing so it is leaving me a bit disheveled.

Do we write out of knowledge or out of the process of learning?

I’m learning how to not control everything in my life. Micro managing God is not the best pastime to develop and yet it seems to be a favorite of mine.

I’m learning to be present-minded. To not live in my dreams but function in the hope of things to come while reveling in the beauty of autumn leaves that are falling around me.

I know that I am a lover. That love is the highest calling that Christians have been commissioned to do. I know that loving may be the scariest, most vulnerable act that humans are capable of. I know that very few people have actually developed a lifestyle that functions out of love. I know that this is a dream of mine.

I know that feelings are a gift from God because humans were created to experience life, but that we weren’t created to act on them or through them. I know to never listen to my feelings and only rely on the voice of God.

I know that God speaks, clearly, and even loudly, but we rarely are listening.

I know I never shut up, even in my silence. I know that God has been calling me to silence and I’ve been loudly ignoring Him.

And yet all of this seems to be very personal an irrelevant to the community around me. How can any of this contribute to the minds that interpret it? We are never useless, this I know. But are we always useful? Do you always have something to offer to those around you?

Love, we always have love to offer. I find the more I wade in the water of His love I usually want to hug everyone. Sorry ahead of time, I’m aware I’m annoying.

Truth is always available. If you ask Him for Truth He always seems so eager to give it. We seem to always have a need for direction and timing for our lives, but what if He said No? What if He only offered love and truth? And we literally had to walk step-by-step only living in those concepts? Concepts… they’re not really concepts are they? Love is Truth, and Truth is rooted in love.

Humans are naturally scared of love and defensive of truth. Born into rebellion, hey?

It’s probably why all the learning processes feel like I’m constantly breaking down walls. Are we born with the walls or are they a product of the influences around us? Both of course. We make our own choices, but to say that what we are constantly exposed to doesn’t’ effect us is ignorant. It’s why we’re at war, daily, crucifying our flesh. You’re living in a world that has a goal of building walls around you, all made of lies. Think about it. Even when Jesus was tempted for 40 days Satan spent the whole time questioning WHO He was. God had just given Him truth: This is my SON, with Whom I am well please. 1) He’s the Son of God 2) God likes Him.

What truths in your life has God given you that you seem to either not believe or are in war within yourself over?

I’m a writer. He told me so. When i asked God, who am I to You, He said “you’re my writer”. Whenever I seem to be spiraling down or feeling lost, He always asks me, when was the last time you wrote? He created this in me to ground me and develop me.

It rages war in my mind daily. Sure, I love journaling, but that is purely selfish. Outwardly it doesn’t seem to accomplish anything, expect that it keeps me in a writing “mode”. Keeps me from getting too rusty. I always want to be contributing to society, though, and journaling doesn’t seem to do that (except when I’m dead and my mother writes a fantastic biography about me, then they will be helpful I suppose…. oh Lord, I’m not sure I want the world knowing all that…..)

I’ve realized, though, that the things that I constantly am wrestling with are always the highest callings in my life. the enemy is not going to just sit back and let you be who He created you to be. That goes against his nature. He is always destroying that which the Lord builds. So if it feels like you’re getting your butt kicked or that you seem to be a failure at something, press into it more. Ask for Truth. It’s probably where He wants you most. Usually where we fail the most, He gets the most glory when it comes into fullness.

I think I love the process of learning the best. Sure I could write about what I already know, but that is just the listing of facts or telling of stories. When you’re learning you are exposing your life to the world. There is vulnerability, openness, and where your soul is open there is great potential to love. And the greatest opportunity to ask Him for Truth. Where we see failure and stumbling, He sees victory and climbing. We feel pain and exhaustion, He sees character developing and fullness.

So I didn’t have much to write, but I just broke down a wall of feeling that I can’t write. And that just pushed me more up my mountain of learning. Learning who I am in Him, and who He sees me as. I can live with those apples.